I would offer hugs
but my hugs would have no warmth;
Pixels place upon a screen
that lack a beating heart.
I would say I'm sorry,
but it's naught but empty words;
Pixels placed upon a screen
can't take away the hurt.
Some Deep Poem About EmotionsI was going to write some deep poem about emotions
and a teenager at their wit's end
but when you are that kid
the things that you think are deep in your head
are not quite the same when written on paper.
The intent gets jumbled somewhere along the way
between the right side of the brain and the fingertips
and both are perhaps a little too stimulated by caffeine
at three in the morning when you can't sleep.
I was going to write some deep poem about emotions
and not knowing what to do
but had an existential crisis halfway through the first sentence
and now I've gone from questioning the meaning of a word
to questioning the meaning of my existence.
The intent gets jumbled somewhere along the way
when the left brain decides this is a stupid idea
and sends it to wherever unused and rejected thoughts go
when, like you, they are deemed not good enough.
I was going to write some deep poem about emotions
but instead I wrote this.
~April 16, 2014~
Humanity takes over and soon crumbles.
The core of bloodied steel remains.
~March 17, 2014~
So I Fell.When I was five years old
I thought life would always be good
thought my best friend and I
would always be together
thought I'd always be that happy and carefree
thought nothing in the world
could ever bring me down.
By the time I was nine I had learned by myself
that every problem, challenge, little obstacle
was Mount Everest
and I was climbing it with my bare hands
that what everyone told me was just a little
was a cliff a thousand miles high
with sharp rocks at the bottom
and I had no other way to go
At twelve I was pushed off that cliff
before I was ready
somehow I missed the jagged stone spikes
but the ocean surf at the bottom
crushed me against the smooth unyielding rock
slammed me into it again and again and again
until my very soul felt battered and bruised
and the effort of trying to find a handhold
of trying to hold on just for a moment
became too much for my damaged being.
As a youth of fourteen I finally sank
beneath that dark sea
felt cold water sw
These nightsInsomniac nights
don't do much for the self esteem
don't exactly soothe a damaged psyche
don't mend a tattered heart
No, these nights
don't do wonders for the soul
don't exactly make me feel at home
don't mend every open wound
are when my thoughts get to wander
and drag me unwilling out the door
til my teardrops mingle with
freshly fallen snow.
~January 22, 2014~
This Time Next YearThis time last year
I read a message saying
Go kill yourself,
got a text that read
I hate you so much,
opened a letter with only
I wish I never met you
written on the inside.
This time last year
I heard my own thoughts screaming
Just do it already,
in between bouts of
Nobody cares about you,
spread out among whispers of
Everyone wants you gone
circling 'round my own head.
This time last year
I sobbed into a dream
I'll never be good enough,
stared into the mirror thinking
I'll never be pretty enough,
watched others pass me by saying
You'll never be like them
because I never was.
This time next year
I'll recall words criticizing
You should try to fit in,
remember teachers griping
You could do so much better,
look down at myself mumbling
You did what you could
and be done.
ArtIt's so long past midnight
yet my light remains on.
I have been wide awake
since the break of sweet dawn.
And I know it's so late
but I can't seem to rest.
Every time I breathe in
I feel hands on my chest.
Side by side, flesh to flesh,
I was yours to the end.
Only you, always true,
at least that’s what you said.
Still my heart has its doubts
little signs here and there.
All the fear points to you
and the falsehood of care.
All your words are fine silk
I'm afraid to believe.
I am trapped in your mind
and it's too dark for me.
So I'll stay in the night
and I'll watch what you do.
And you will see, darling,
I can lie to you, too.
I hope you won't hate me
when I tear out your heart.
Though I said I'd forgive
I've made grudges an art.
~December 15, 2013~
Slept InSlept in.
Looked at the clock;
I could still make it to school
if I tried.
But I really don't want to.
It's funny to me
how in middle school,
I would scream and cry
if I missed the bus
or woke up late.
Now I shrug and say,
"them's the breaks,"
nestle under blankets
go back to hating
~December 5th, 2013~
KnucklesPlace a kiss on
broken skin; bruised flesh
above the bone.
on a scarred but beautiful heart.
I know not what
deep and fearsome pains
plague your psyche.
But I will be here
to hold you when you need it most
~November 22, 2013~
On losing a friend(it did not end in tears.)
I could give you armfuls of oceans, great
mountain ranges wrapped in silver bows,
a coral reef gleaming like a sapphire chain
but you will always ask for a dormant volcano
and a star you can hold in your palm.
And I have tried to be that star, have tried to
combust bright enough, shrink small enough
but it is never enough for you. You kiss my
mouth with those carmine lips and swallow my
heartbeat with your gentle laugh and I glow
I glow and you go you go you go on stringing
me along a trail of crumbs, making me forget
that I am starving myself for your table scraps.
I could press the slats of pre-dawn light into your
answering machine, could fold dust columns that
fall between venetian archways into your bedsheets,
could hang the lost jewels of jaguar fangs clattering
above your dreamcatcher and you would only ask for
a dormant volcano and a brittle sea-salt glass wave.
And I have tried to capture the tides and I have tried
to blow glass but my hands are clum
DarknessThe disease came in the form of quiet, loving destruction.
It pulled me out to sea,
Waves crashing in on me from all directions.
It planted lilies in my throat.
Until I choked on
Roses and chrysanthemums.
It made my mind my own personal head stone.
Nothing but polluted words
The flowers made it sound so playful and innocent when I said,
'I am better off dead.'
You rage wars.
Tugging at the skin underneath my eyes.
Of a once friendly stranger's goodbyes.
Quiet and loving.
You made me fall in love with the velvet of your darkness.
The way you cloaked yourself around me.
You gave me the piercing control of a knife.
'Death isn't a disease. It is a solution.'
A solution to the dark abyss.
Nags at the back of my skull.
It makes my eyes dull.
The darkness loved my light.
It loved it so much,
It was a parasite.
It stole my sun.
Now I am just a super nova
Collapsing in on itself,
Until I, myself, become the black hole.
A Letter to My Best FriendA letter to my best friend, for when he is feeling badly
When your sunny skies turn to thunder clouds.
When you can't hear your own thoughts
Over rumbling drum rolls of thunder.
I will be the umbrella to protect you
From the freezing rain.
I'd set my bones aflame
Watch them spark and burn.
I'd turn my soul into a Bon fire
Just to keep you warm.
I'd catch fire flies like stars.
I would keep them in a jar
And give them to you.
Because you light up the dark of the night sky.
When I am feeling blue
You are the one that helps me get through
The murk of my lonely thoughts.
And sometimes, I don't feel like you see yourself clearly.
I wish you could see you
The way I do.
I see you in the stars
You talk about them so fondly.
Every constellation reminds me of you.
I wonder if you are made of cosmos.
Such chaotic, pure energy,
I see you in the rain.
You are cold
I'd dance to the music of your soft,
Pitter- patter melody.
I see you in the air I breathe.
Because you are the thing
Fairy Tale GirlFairy tale little girl.
She wears a crown upon her head,
And befriends the monsters under her bed.
She sings songs to birds.
But no one ever heard
Her cries when the castle walls came tumbling down.
Real world little girl.
She weaves herself a fantasy inside her mind.
Hoping to find
The same peace from when she was young.
And she's like water colors.
So soft, and easily washed away.
She is the soft blues in the morning of a new day.
I found her hiding within her tower.
Far above the real world below.
She is so broken but never lets it show,
So desperate for some fairy tale ending.
She asked me quietly one day,
'Do you think the world will ever be like my story books?'
I thought for a moment before replying,
'In order to survive there are some bad things you have to overlook.'
'The world is grey.'
I heard her say one day.
As if accepting the odd mixture of good and bad.
Her voice sounded happy and sad,
All at once.
As she ripped away the last page
In her story book.
Your feelings are validI once read
that a teaspoon of matter
from a black hole
can weigh thousands of tons
so think about that
when someone tells you
your problem is no big deal
it may not look
like you have the weight of the world
upon your shoulders
but it sure can feel like it.
The Rogue FactorRise, fall, get up, stumble and run
it's getting harder to catch a breath
in this cloud of scorching lies you've shoved me in.
Stop right there, I am not following you again
you, the one who held a scythe to my throat,
had only brought me closer to a death I didn't cry for.
It's a price I've paid for having faith in
you, the one with blooming roses
and stinging, poisonous thorns.
Whose dreams was I chasing?
Were they yours, mine or
were they the illusions of a distant fall?
Heaven and Hell crossed at your feet
but you took the wrong turn and blindly led the way,
straight into a fire that welcomed me with open arms.
Doubt someone like you can atone,
you, the one with a habit of tearing souls.
Yet here I stand, and fight
against you, once and for all.
I grew tired of letting you take control.
I found a strength in a goal you can't claim,
my life and my work are no longer yours.
Hope shines bright you monster,
I'm not going to be a victim,
I'm not holdi
Eighteen Years OldTwenty years old, and unhappy with the world.
Twenty years old and threatening teenage girls.
Twenty years old and unsure of who you are.
Twenty years old and hiding behind keys
and a space bar.
At twenty years old, your anger gets the best of you,
at twenty years old, I'd hate to be you.
At eighteen years old, I feel sorry for you,
despite the amount of agony you've put me
Because the one who is the giver of your life
criticizes your appearance and your size.
Despite talking, and the gawking,
and all in between,
I know you're just a poor man suffering.
But you're twenty years old, and you should
You're twenty years old,
and you'll never understand this letter.
Fifteen years old, with the mind of a toddler.
Fifteen years old, and though I'm writing this,
I shouldn't even bother.
Fifteen years old, and you're already a professional stalker,
you're toxic, your disgusting, and a suicide blogger.
Fifteen years old, and life is a game, you can ruin people,
play with pe
uncertainty is a meal i can always finish.i.
she says she thinks i wear my heart well,
and i tell her it's only because i don't wear it at all
sometimes i think my veins are breaking because they get so thin and purple
and sometimes they are blue as the sky we live under,
bulging beneath the unbroken skin of my wrists like they are straining to touch
the oxygen that writhes above them, so close to contact but
never able to truly meet.
we stay together, not through thick,
only through thin
my friend confessed her sexuality to us
maybe three months back,
but i still can't seem to find my own "label"
and it is sad because i want to be able to label myself in a
world where we are shamed by our names
i live in a city where the people care so little for each other
that each passing day i am painfully reminded
of how much i can hate
and not enough of how much i can love
formyou plucked the strings
of my mind with every syllable
you whispered in my pillowcase
and you docked them
with your own notes,
as we lay together
in eventual silence
and gradual significance.
(a quiet explosion
of so many things
we've finally said.)
asleep is only another
avenue to fall for you.
what a decadent experience
that i try to immerse myself in.
this delicate rarity
has slid a little goddess
into my hands
in the form of you.